It’s has been a little while but I have been so busy. The thing is I am feeling very happy at the moment. I thought I wouldn’t. I spent two weeks in Brazil with my Mother, niece, brother, cousins, aunties and friends and normally, when I come back to the UK, I have a down period. This is because it is hard to have your heart split between two places. I feel I can never have all my loved ones near me at once, in one place. But my mother said something to me that made a lot of sense, that I am lucky to have loved ones everywhere, and that is so true. I am feeling lucky.
Also, in Brazil I went to my cousin’s wedding, which was beautiful and so happy. It was a resplendent sunny afternoon and there I was, able to be there, with family that I had not been with for years, and I felt so close to everyone. My cousin literally looked like a princess and had the biggest smile I had ever seen, and she is so in love! The happiness spilled out of that day and have stayed with me ever since.
When I came back home, to my boys, my cats and my dog, I felt even luckier because it is a pretty damn good life. The next morning I was out in the park with Nina, my dog, and was greeted with hugs by my ‘dog friends’. They are a lovely bunch of women who I met because of Nina, and are now a very important part of my routine. We are all different and in our morning walks we talk about everything; we cry, we laugh and connect. More than I have connected with lots of people I tried to in this country.
My son is in a good place despite the teen tantrums. I am managing to help him with his school stuff. It’s hard work, but I think he really needed some help getting organised. Maybe I am ‘babying’ him a bit, but what does it matter if it works for our family? We are waiting for an assessment for Asperger’s, which is still a bit bizarre for me, but again, I decided to let it be. Some of his quirkiness would make sense if that is the case.
Anyway, I know I am rambling on, but I don’t care. I decided that this is a place to open my heart, and not to only go on about my depression and anxiety. If I look at the big picture, this is only a small part of who I am.
Love and hapiness.
I had my hair cut really short 3 times. Each time it marked some life event. The first time was after I broke up with a boyfriend of two years. I felt free, I learned how to drive and I started partying a lot. The second time was after I was recovering from a breakdown in New York. That was the worst time in my life, but it was also wonderful in many paradoxical ways. I had met the love of my life, my true soulmate, and was making very tough decisions. Finally, the third time was after my dad died. I just didn’t feel like the same person I was before without him in this world.
Moving forward, one step at a time. 