Anxiety, blogging, Depression, Family, happiness, life, living abroad, Love, Resilience

I feel so happy

It’s has been a little while but I have been so busy. The thing is I am feeling very happy at the moment. I thought I wouldn’t. I spent two weeks in Brazil with my Mother, niece, brother, cousins, aunties and friends and normally, when I come back to the UK, I have a down period. This is because it is hard to have your heart split between two places. I feel I can never have all my loved ones near me at once, in one place. But my mother said something to me that made a lot of sense, that I am lucky to have loved ones everywhere, and that is so true. I am feeling lucky.

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Also, in Brazil I went to my cousin’s wedding, which was beautiful and so happy. It was a resplendent sunny afternoon and there I was, able to be there, with family that I had not been with for years, and I felt so close to everyone. My cousin literally looked like a princess and had the biggest smile I had ever seen, and she is so in love! The happiness spilled out of that day and have stayed with me ever since.

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When I came back home, to my boys, my cats and my dog, I felt even luckier because it is a pretty damn good life. The next morning I was out in the park with Nina, my dog, and was greeted with hugs by my ‘dog friends’. They are a lovely bunch of women who I met because of Nina, and are now a very important part of my routine. We are all different and in our morning walks we talk about everything; we cry, we laugh and connect. More than I have connected with lots of people I tried to in this country.

My son is in a good place despite the teen tantrums. I am managing to help him with his school stuff. It’s hard work, but I think he really needed some help getting organised. Maybe I am ‘babying’ him a bit, but what does it matter if it works for our family? We are waiting for an assessment for Asperger’s, which is still a bit bizarre for me, but again, I decided to let it be. Some of his quirkiness would make sense if that is the case.

Anyway, I know I am rambling on, but I don’t care. I decided that this is a place to open my heart, and not to only go on about my depression and anxiety. If I look at the big picture, this is only a small part of who I am.

Love and hapiness.

 

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Depression, happiness, life, marriage, Mental health, Motherhood

Roller Coaster

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Spring is nearly here

This past week I have been going through a roller coaster of emotions. I was missing my husband who was away for work for two weeks, nervous about being 100% responsible for my son, feeling guilty because I wasn’t having enough time to walk my dog as much as I normally do, and was also happy and excited, looking forward to a weekend away with friends. A bit sad, a bit nervous, a bit happy and a bit guilty. It’s exhausting feeling so much…

My husband came back at 5.30am on Friday morning, took our son to school and then went to work. I went away with my friends at lunchtime, so we barely had a chance to catch up. I then went to Birmingham with two friends to visit CRUFTS, the dog show, for the first time. I was very excited and got almost hysterical with happiness once we arrived at the NEC on Saturday. I absolutely LOVE dogs and this place was like the Mecca for anything dog. Dogs everywhere, stands selling stuff for dogs, arena displays, talks, the lot. I walked around all day with this massive grin on my face. We then had a brilliant celebratory dinner and Sunday was time to come home, a bit hungover.

After so much excitement, I was bound to feel down, because when I go up I normally slump down at some point. Just now, nearly a week later, I started to feel ‘even’ and balanced again. I hope that I stay like this for a while.

The sunshine and the imminent arrival of Spring is helping…

blogging, life, Mental health, Motherhood

Dear Son

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Zanzibar 2016

Dear Son,

I would like to say that I love you and always will, no matter what.

It breaks my heart that you have no belief in yourself and no self-confidence. We really tried so hard for you to have these things. We moved you to different and better schools in the hope that they would help you. But it is not helping. It saddens me too to think that you may be a bit lazy and not have much drive. Am I wrong to think this of you? Maybe I am, but sometimes, like now, I get lost, and don’t know what to think.

Yesterday I received yet another email from your school letting me know that you are behind in two subjects and that you haven’t been handing in homework. I was furious because we have tried so many things: we had conversations, we have talked to the school, we have booked therapy sessions, we have left you alone, we have been been on top of your school work, we have shouted and we have cried. Nothing seems to work. I know it all sounds a bit melodramatic, but I constantly worry, because it goes beyond school work. It is about your attitude when facing adversity, you just say that you are never going to be good enough.

Maybe a lot of my feelings have to do with my expectations, but which parent doesn’t expect and want the best for their child? I am not sure what to do really. Is this all normal adolescent behaviour? Should I just give you bit more time to grow up?

I see your angry face when we argue about school and I hope that you don’t stop loving me.

 

 

 

happiness, life, marriage, Mental health, Resilience

A few numbers

numbers18I had my hair cut really short 3 times. Each time it marked some life event. The first time was after I broke up with a boyfriend of two years. I felt free, I learned how to drive and I started partying a lot. The second time was after I was recovering from a breakdown in New York. That was the worst time in my life, but it was also wonderful in many paradoxical ways. I had met the love of my life, my true soulmate, and was making very tough decisions. Finally, the third time was after my dad died. I just didn’t feel like the same person I was before without him in this world.

I have taken 10 different medications for depression and/or anxiety throughout life. I still take one every day and another one occasionally. According to my psychiatrist, I should be on these for the rest of my life.

I have seen 11 different therapists and psychiatrists.

I have lived in 9 different houses/flats.

I had 11 different jobs.

I have lived in 3 different countries. I have visited 21 countries.

I got married (and still am) once, I have 1 son, 1 dog and 2 cats.

I have one pretty amazing and at times scary life.