Depression, happiness, life, marriage, Mental health, Motherhood

Roller Coaster

Spring is nearly here

This past week I have been going through a roller coaster of emotions. I was missing my husband who was away for work for two weeks, nervous about being 100% responsible for my son, feeling guilty because I wasn’t having enough time to walk my dog as much as I normally do, and was also happy and excited, looking forward to a weekend away with friends. A bit sad, a bit nervous, a bit happy and a bit guilty. It’s exhausting feeling so much…

My husband came back at 5.30am on Friday morning, took our son to school and then went to work. I went away with my friends at lunchtime, so we barely had a chance to catch up. I then went to Birmingham with two friends to visit CRUFTS, the dog show, for the first time. I was very excited and got almost hysterical with happiness once we arrived at the NEC on Saturday. I absolutely LOVE dogs and this place was like the Mecca for anything dog. Dogs everywhere, stands selling stuff for dogs, arena displays, talks, the lot. I walked around all day with this massive grin on my face. We then had a brilliant celebratory dinner and Sunday was time to come home, a bit hungover.

After so much excitement, I was bound to feel down, because when I go up I normally slump down at some point. Just now, nearly a week later, I started to feel ‘even’ and balanced again. I hope that I stay like this for a while.

The sunshine and the imminent arrival of Spring is helping…

blogging, life, Mental health, Motherhood

Dear Son

Zanzibar 2016

Dear Son,

I would like to say that I love you and always will, no matter what.

It breaks my heart that you have no belief in yourself and no self-confidence. We really tried so hard for you to have these things. We moved you to different and better schools in the hope that they would help you. But it is not helping. It saddens me too to think that you may be a bit lazy and not have much drive. Am I wrong to think this of you? Maybe I am, but sometimes, like now, I get lost, and don’t know what to think.

Yesterday I received yet another email from your school letting me know that you are behind in two subjects and that you haven’t been handing in homework. I was furious because we have tried so many things: we had conversations, we have talked to the school, we have booked therapy sessions, we have left you alone, we have been been on top of your school work, we have shouted and we have cried. Nothing seems to work. I know it all sounds a bit melodramatic, but I constantly worry, because it goes beyond school work. It is about your attitude when facing adversity, you just say that you are never going to be good enough.

Maybe a lot of my feelings have to do with my expectations, but which parent doesn’t expect and want the best for their child? I am not sure what to do really. Is this all normal adolescent behaviour? Should I just give you bit more time to grow up?

I see your angry face when we argue about school and I hope that you don’t stop loving me.