Depression, happiness, life, marriage, Mental health, Motherhood

Roller Coaster

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Spring is nearly here

This past week I have been going through a roller coaster of emotions. I was missing my husband who was away for work for two weeks, nervous about being 100% responsible for my son, feeling guilty because I wasn’t having enough time to walk my dog as much as I normally do, and was also happy and excited, looking forward to a weekend away with friends. A bit sad, a bit nervous, a bit happy and a bit guilty. It’s exhausting feeling so much…

My husband came back at 5.30am on Friday morning, took our son to school and then went to work. I went away with my friends at lunchtime, so we barely had a chance to catch up. I then went to Birmingham with two friends to visit CRUFTS, the dog show, for the first time. I was very excited and got almost hysterical with happiness once we arrived at the NEC on Saturday. I absolutely LOVE dogs and this place was like the Mecca for anything dog. Dogs everywhere, stands selling stuff for dogs, arena displays, talks, the lot. I walked around all day with this massive grin on my face. We then had a brilliant celebratory dinner and Sunday was time to come home, a bit hungover.

After so much excitement, I was bound to feel down, because when I go up I normally slump down at some point. Just now, nearly a week later, I started to feel ‘even’ and balanced again. I hope that I stay like this for a while.

The sunshine and the imminent arrival of Spring is helping…

blogging, life, Mental health, Motherhood

Dear Son

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Zanzibar 2016

Dear Son,

I would like to say that I love you and always will, no matter what.

It breaks my heart that you have no belief in yourself and no self-confidence. We really tried so hard for you to have these things. We moved you to different and better schools in the hope that they would help you. But it is not helping. It saddens me too to think that you may be a bit lazy and not have much drive. Am I wrong to think this of you? Maybe I am, but sometimes, like now, I get lost, and don’t know what to think.

Yesterday I received yet another email from your school letting me know that you are behind in two subjects and that you haven’t been handing in homework. I was furious because we have tried so many things: we had conversations, we have talked to the school, we have booked therapy sessions, we have left you alone, we have been been on top of your school work, we have shouted and we have cried. Nothing seems to work. I know it all sounds a bit melodramatic, but I constantly worry, because it goes beyond school work. It is about your attitude when facing adversity, you just say that you are never going to be good enough.

Maybe a lot of my feelings have to do with my expectations, but which parent doesn’t expect and want the best for their child? I am not sure what to do really. Is this all normal adolescent behaviour? Should I just give you bit more time to grow up?

I see your angry face when we argue about school and I hope that you don’t stop loving me.

 

 

 

happiness, life, marriage, Mental health, Resilience

A few numbers

numbers18I had my hair cut really short 3 times. Each time it marked some life event. The first time was after I broke up with a boyfriend of two years. I felt free, I learned how to drive and I started partying a lot. The second time was after I was recovering from a breakdown in New York. That was the worst time in my life, but it was also wonderful in many paradoxical ways. I had met the love of my life, my true soulmate, and was making very tough decisions. Finally, the third time was after my dad died. I just didn’t feel like the same person I was before without him in this world.

I have taken 10 different medications for depression and/or anxiety throughout life. I still take one every day and another one occasionally. According to my psychiatrist, I should be on these for the rest of my life.

I have seen 11 different therapists and psychiatrists.

I have lived in 9 different houses/flats.

I had 11 different jobs.

I have lived in 3 different countries. I have visited 21 countries.

I got married (and still am) once, I have 1 son, 1 dog and 2 cats.

I have one pretty amazing and at times scary life.

 

Anxiety, blogging, Mental health

A farce?

10417747_10152898270620733_6991419322097820910_nSo, this morning, the next  day after writing this post, I thought it was really pants and disjointed, but I will publish anyway.

I started this blog and even though it hasn’t even been a week, I have been going through a journey in my mind. It is good sometimes and other times it is scary as I remember periods when I felt so unwell, that just the memory makes my heart skip a beat.

I also have been reading other blogs on mental health and they make me feel a little bit like a farce. Other people have been through so much shit in their lives, so it totally makes sense that they end up with mental health problems. I had and have a good life so don’t really think I have genuine reasons to have depression and anxiety. But maybe these conditions have no rhyme or reason? On the other hand, I personally know people who faced awful circumstances and still remained ‘sane’ and were not afflicted by mental health issues…

Not sure what is the point of this post really, It was just that I was thinking about all that and wanted to write it down. The other reason I feel a little bit like a farce is because I am not a very good writer, and the bloggers I read are just so good. English is not my first language (I now feel more comfortable writing in English than in Portuguese), and I know that despite reading and re-reading what I write, I still miss lots of mistakes and weird phrasing. But I won’t care about this, I will carry on writing and welcome suggestions on how to improve.

I guess I better stick to the story of my life and the times when depression and anxiety manifested themselves.

The last time I wrote how I first experiences anxiety when I was 16. After getting over that, even though I didn’t know what it was at the time, my Mum sent me to see a psychotherapist. She (the therapist, not my mother) wasn’t very helpful and I wasn’t mature enough. To be honest, it was a bit of a waste of time and money. A year later, when I was finishing my last year at school, I felt anxious again. I had a boyfriend in school and he and his family were from another country and were moving back there after the school year finished. I was quite upset by it all and wanted to spend as much time as possible with him. But every time I was with him I felt really nervous and sick. The impeding doom feeling was there the whole time and I just couldn’t concentrate in the present. I was constantly worrying about the imminent future. It was unpleasant but not as bad as the previous time, and to be honest I didn’t associate one feeling with the other. When I remember it now, they were very similar feelings and they can be easily identified as anxiety. Once again, no one mentioned anxiety or anything related at the time. There was a very clear reason why I was feeling that way, so I guess it just made sense.

He left, we carried on by having a long distance relationship for a while, but university was great and I decided to break up after one year. I was free from those horrible feelings and I was happy. I would be happy for a long time. My university years were truly brilliant. I spent four years there, not learning a lot, but making some of my life best friends.

Going back to the writing thing, I wish I could tell this story better, describe my feelings better. I am also unsure on how to carry on writing, should I do it in chronological order or just randomly? I will just see what happens as I go on writing.

See you soon.