Anxiety, blogging, Depression, Family, happiness, life, living abroad, Love, Resilience

I feel so happy

It’s has been a little while but I have been so busy. The thing is I am feeling very happy at the moment. I thought I wouldn’t. I spent two weeks in Brazil with my Mother, niece, brother, cousins, aunties and friends and normally, when I come back to the UK, I have a down period. This is because it is hard to have your heart split between two places. I feel I can never have all my loved ones near me at once, in one place. But my mother said something to me that made a lot of sense, that I am lucky to have loved ones everywhere, and that is so true. I am feeling lucky.

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Also, in Brazil I went to my cousin’s wedding, which was beautiful and so happy. It was a resplendent sunny afternoon and there I was, able to be there, with family that I had not been with for years, and I felt so close to everyone. My cousin literally looked like a princess and had the biggest smile I had ever seen, and she is so in love! The happiness spilled out of that day and have stayed with me ever since.

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When I came back home, to my boys, my cats and my dog, I felt even luckier because it is a pretty damn good life. The next morning I was out in the park with Nina, my dog, and was greeted with hugs by my ‘dog friends’. They are a lovely bunch of women who I met because of Nina, and are now a very important part of my routine. We are all different and in our morning walks we talk about everything; we cry, we laugh and connect. More than I have connected with lots of people I tried to in this country.

My son is in a good place despite the teen tantrums. I am managing to help him with his school stuff. It’s hard work, but I think he really needed some help getting organised. Maybe I am ‘babying’ him a bit, but what does it matter if it works for our family? We are waiting for an assessment for Asperger’s, which is still a bit bizarre for me, but again, I decided to let it be. Some of his quirkiness would make sense if that is the case.

Anyway, I know I am rambling on, but I don’t care. I decided that this is a place to open my heart, and not to only go on about my depression and anxiety. If I look at the big picture, this is only a small part of who I am.

Love and hapiness.

 

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Depression, happiness, life, marriage, Mental health, Motherhood

Roller Coaster

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Spring is nearly here

This past week I have been going through a roller coaster of emotions. I was missing my husband who was away for work for two weeks, nervous about being 100% responsible for my son, feeling guilty because I wasn’t having enough time to walk my dog as much as I normally do, and was also happy and excited, looking forward to a weekend away with friends. A bit sad, a bit nervous, a bit happy and a bit guilty. It’s exhausting feeling so much…

My husband came back at 5.30am on Friday morning, took our son to school and then went to work. I went away with my friends at lunchtime, so we barely had a chance to catch up. I then went to Birmingham with two friends to visit CRUFTS, the dog show, for the first time. I was very excited and got almost hysterical with happiness once we arrived at the NEC on Saturday. I absolutely LOVE dogs and this place was like the Mecca for anything dog. Dogs everywhere, stands selling stuff for dogs, arena displays, talks, the lot. I walked around all day with this massive grin on my face. We then had a brilliant celebratory dinner and Sunday was time to come home, a bit hungover.

After so much excitement, I was bound to feel down, because when I go up I normally slump down at some point. Just now, nearly a week later, I started to feel ‘even’ and balanced again. I hope that I stay like this for a while.

The sunshine and the imminent arrival of Spring is helping…

Anxiety, blogging, Mental health

A farce?

10417747_10152898270620733_6991419322097820910_nSo, this morning, the next  day after writing this post, I thought it was really pants and disjointed, but I will publish anyway.

I started this blog and even though it hasn’t even been a week, I have been going through a journey in my mind. It is good sometimes and other times it is scary as I remember periods when I felt so unwell, that just the memory makes my heart skip a beat.

I also have been reading other blogs on mental health and they make me feel a little bit like a farce. Other people have been through so much shit in their lives, so it totally makes sense that they end up with mental health problems. I had and have a good life so don’t really think I have genuine reasons to have depression and anxiety. But maybe these conditions have no rhyme or reason? On the other hand, I personally know people who faced awful circumstances and still remained ‘sane’ and were not afflicted by mental health issues…

Not sure what is the point of this post really, It was just that I was thinking about all that and wanted to write it down. The other reason I feel a little bit like a farce is because I am not a very good writer, and the bloggers I read are just so good. English is not my first language (I now feel more comfortable writing in English than in Portuguese), and I know that despite reading and re-reading what I write, I still miss lots of mistakes and weird phrasing. But I won’t care about this, I will carry on writing and welcome suggestions on how to improve.

I guess I better stick to the story of my life and the times when depression and anxiety manifested themselves.

The last time I wrote how I first experiences anxiety when I was 16. After getting over that, even though I didn’t know what it was at the time, my Mum sent me to see a psychotherapist. She (the therapist, not my mother) wasn’t very helpful and I wasn’t mature enough. To be honest, it was a bit of a waste of time and money. A year later, when I was finishing my last year at school, I felt anxious again. I had a boyfriend in school and he and his family were from another country and were moving back there after the school year finished. I was quite upset by it all and wanted to spend as much time as possible with him. But every time I was with him I felt really nervous and sick. The impeding doom feeling was there the whole time and I just couldn’t concentrate in the present. I was constantly worrying about the imminent future. It was unpleasant but not as bad as the previous time, and to be honest I didn’t associate one feeling with the other. When I remember it now, they were very similar feelings and they can be easily identified as anxiety. Once again, no one mentioned anxiety or anything related at the time. There was a very clear reason why I was feeling that way, so I guess it just made sense.

He left, we carried on by having a long distance relationship for a while, but university was great and I decided to break up after one year. I was free from those horrible feelings and I was happy. I would be happy for a long time. My university years were truly brilliant. I spent four years there, not learning a lot, but making some of my life best friends.

Going back to the writing thing, I wish I could tell this story better, describe my feelings better. I am also unsure on how to carry on writing, should I do it in chronological order or just randomly? I will just see what happens as I go on writing.

See you soon.